Saturday, July 31, 2004

November rain after a July drought

My room echoes with "November Rain".

And with it i'm surrounded by rain on all fronts... Inside and outside its raining. Maybe the rain's here to finally wash away all the dirt and grime that has overwhelmed me in July... A fitting end to a July without relief. I juz wanna run outside and let the rain wash away all my memories, my bloodstained soul and wet my dry eyes. To laugh like a madman at the rain.... its something i think we innately all wanna do, to juz laugh at the world and the irony that whatever you do in this life you wont ever make a dent in the world and your life at times is completely meaningless. Makes me think of Soul asylum's "Runaway Train"... To juz be able to run away from it all and yourself. Its kinda hard to know that there are somethings you juz cant control in a life thats yours...

If you ask me whether i feel about that woman.... I would honestly say yes. She was the one who knew me the deepest and the only person in the world besides myself who is in touch with my feelings. Its hard to not feel for a person like that.... And it irks me, saddens me, gnaws at my insides and makes me feel all too human.

Crying is a therapy that we were givin to self medicate a wounded soul. No matter what anyone says, I dont think crying is a form of weakness... It takes more courage to cry than not to. Its like you givin yourself a DIY operation to save yourself... It takes real guts to self heal yourself... Thats why we have doctors. But when it comes to the emotional stuff who do you to help you heal? Noone... Only yourself.... Thats why we have the ability to cry. Tears are the bad stuff that gets ejected from your body... thats why you feel better after a cry. Coz all the bad crap gets pumped out of you.... So when you need to... Juz cry.... Its a gift i tell you... Take it from someone who has lost that ability. When you have no more tears only then will you value this oh so important gift that you always took for granted and avoided.

Its still raining.... "Rain, rain and purify what was once grimed and stained"

Today there's canoeing... The sea calls to me in time of sadness... And I'm reminded of a quote from Melville, "Come hither, broken hearted; here is another life without the guilt pf intermediate death; here are wonders supernatural, without dying for them. Come hither! bury yourself in a life which, to your now equally abhorred and abhorring, landed world, is more oblivious than death." Quite a mouthful... but its romanticism isnt lost on me... I guess this is what drives sailors and pilots alike... A place without the noise of land and juz findin that place where theres only you and emptiness. This is what stokes my love for the sea and the sky.... Pnly there can you be truely be with yourself... to talk, curse or laugh at whatever gods that play with your fate or to juz silently watch the world go by as slow as death....

But then....

"It can't rain all the time... "


Thursday, July 29, 2004

Twists and Turns

You juz dunno what can happen next.
Life can never be plotted out which makes me seriously think why the hell we even bother to plan out our lives... say at this age we wanna be married or have a car of our own etc etc... Face it... we are all stuck in a huge dodgeball game of infinite scale. We everyday play our game of hit and miss and hope we dont mess up and get hit in the face by a piece of life's debris.

Juz give me a pack of cigarettes and send me on my way thru life dude...
Dude??? hahaha... since when do i say dude? All Thang's and the rest's fault... In 2 weeks I've been influenced already and the yuppie talk has appeared in my vocabulary. A year ago you wouldnt hear me uttering the "dude" word... now... I'm spouting it like a beached whale. Right now those who are reading this blog will be like all goin, "HUH?"... Its my weird morbid sense of humour. Dont worry... few understand it so I'm not surprised you are scratching your head in bewilderment. Anyway... I've derailed from the topic. I've been infected with the "dude" talk... Another whole new dimension of me has been unleashed.

Yes... I'm undergoin another change yet again. I always seem to go thru an overhaul after a relationship.... Dunno what will be the outcome of this change. And that brings me to another point... Am I too analytical? I presume and conclude like a modern day Sherlock when i actually am more like Watson. Must learn to keep these crap to myself.... I aint my father, and I dont wish to end up like him. Hell... sometimes I AM him. Do we all take after our parents? I kinda hate to be like my old man... And yet I've inherited all his monsters.

Maybe an exorcism is what i need... and guess what? Someone did ask me to go for a deliverance at her church. Is life given me a nudge out the door? Hahaha... I wouldnt know till i was thrown out the door. Am that damn calamari like.... I have a family dinner with my relatives on saturday. Like I am soooooooooo lookin forward to that... Whiny cousins, Mr and Mrs Snob, my evangelist aunt and husband who really freak me out and lots more freaks i dun care to mention. But at least i have my cousin Jo to talk to and her dad to smoke with me... LOL  As long as there's no alcohol i should do fine... I would probably start some taiwanese drinkin game in the hall and get myself so utterly wasted...

One thing in life i will never understand will be women... You cant live with them and you cant do without them. And you will always get hurt by them... I want to read women's minds... It would make things soooooo much easier since most of the time we are like supposed to attempt to guess what they have in mind anyway... But at the same time this is what makes them interesting... All of my gal frens fascinate me coz you get to see so much more of a human being in a gal than in a guy... In a guy you basically have a four basic emotions: Anger, Happiness, Sadness and Whatever... Gals have a much more wide spectrum of emotions. And compare the things they do compared to the guys... We both have the same goal but the process is like soooooo different. If there was an opening for a woman scientist I would take it man... hahahaha... To learn more about our subjects of lust, adoration and occasionally disgust.

Have to write a speech about why terrorism is not wrong... hahahaha... Why do i have a feeling national security is eyeballin me? I have written the intro... but have no idea what i want to do for the body... If you think i have no idea what to write you are dead wrong... hahahaha... Guys... you should know me... Once i start doing this kinda topics... my hand and pen cant stop! And i'm kinda limited to 3min for the speech so how the hell am i gonna cut this to size?

Tonight is old school... classic RATM... kinda suits the topic i have at hand now. OH well... may Osama give me some inspiration...

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

Stress and Laziness

Today has not been a very good day... Alot of work today... gotta do out a layout plan of a semi-D for tomorrow and i predict that it will be a loooooooooonngggg thursday. My fishy has yet to be sold. So far had 3 rejections on it... Sigh... Got a few more later... Hope it gets sold by tonight.

On the bright side... I DID get my phone back today... thank god! I hate Samsung and Motorola phones... They should go back to makin VCRs and pagers... Their handphones stink. I love my Nokia.

Hmmm.... I was talking to my friend about his kids... Makes me think about what kinda Dad i'll be... I mean what if my kids have my hyper genes? Hooooo boy... That would be an apocalyptical scenario. My parents would probably rollin on the floor with laughter and shouting, "Now YOU know what it was like!" And as i contemplate infantcide with my wife I would probably agree with them... Makes you wonder whether you should use the rod or not. Many kid specialists say you gotta do that "Love teaching" for your kid and spare the rod... But the way kids are goin these days, its kinda hard not to apply martial law on the little kids dontcha think? I've met the horrors of kids in Simei and i think personally I would do the same as my friend and apply the rod. Many would think, "Hey... thats not right... I dont think your parents did that to you so you shouldnt do that to your kids either. " Wrong... unlike what most people think i, I was a beaten kid... But the beatin stopped when i was 10 or so... My parents believed in givin me my freedom to do what i want. And in some ways it did good and others bad. I'm more independent than most others and used to doin my thing alone. But i get very individualistic at times... Some day i will look back at my kid and tell him/her what the world was like in my time and my kid will tell me what went wrong back then.. You'll be surprised at the age they learn to talk back nowadays... I've got a potential debating partner with my friend's 7year old daughter. And she's good... She can out talk some people much older than her. Talk about growin up fast... But this is all thinkin for some other time... WHEN i have a wife and WHEN i have kids then we shall think about fatherhood right... yea... Mr Procrastination lol...

Overwhelmed with laziness... I dun feel like doing anything. Juz stay here in my comfy chair and think about the weekend and of old times come and gone. I have very few photos of the last 8 years... I'm not a photo person i guess... I have a big bulky SLR in my closet but that aint been used for years. All my memories are in my mind. So they're easily erased if needed... Photos can be painful reminders of past memories. And they have a habit of appearin when you least expect them to. Like when you're all alone and the world is ending somehow a picture of you and your ex will pop out and bring tears to your eyes... How sentiments can oh so kill you... And Time is his main partner in crime... These two buggers will juz invade when you least expect and rob you of your heart. Pictures more often than other bring sadness rather than happiness to the viewer... Coz they remind you of a time that you can never return to and thats when Reality gives you a big bite on the rear... These stuff should be kept in the heart and mind... For you to remember when you want to. Not surprise you during a dark, lonely night.

Since when am I such a philsopher? Socrates, Plato and Dante... all people who I have no idea exactly what they did but do know that they were somewhat connected to philosophy. Which makes me think...  why does man need to ponder his life? Whats there to know? In the end you still go about it one day at a time not wondering what if you did that instead of that or should you covet thy neighbour's cow.... I still dont get this whole philosophy thing...  Someone please explain it to me! Before i bumble and get books on Socrates thrown at me...

Esplanade cancelled... a collective sense of relief and disappointment... Was scared i was gonna fumble there and well... disappointment about a certain personal matter...

Anyway... we shall leave these to the philosophers in future to ponder and debate. I live in the present. Carpe Diem baby!

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

Moby Dick

As the title implies....

This has something to do with a big smelly albino whale. Yes... I'm reading the book now... hahahahahahahahahaha... What was i thinkin when i borrowed this book? I have no idea why i took this unabridged piece of literary sushi up and scanned it through.... Maybe coz i was thinkin about the seafood thing we are planning for sun or sat...

A friend asked me today... Is this friday's play important to me. Well... In a way... YES. I have to get back to who i was....  not this cheena/ang moh hybrid... I swear in hokkien when i meant to give a simple "shit" and deliver a stinging tirade in english when some choice hokkien words would've done fine.... I'm gettin mixed up and confused... My english is slipping... I found out i forgot to spell "skilful" and stumbled on some grammer last nite. WTH... Those who knew me a few years back would be like... "Who ARE you? And what've you done with clinton?" I got influenced in taiwan and got dragged further in by my ex... Now i'm like an outcast from both sides. I have no place on either side. I'm the Language Outcast.... It really shocked me when i couldnt slip into a normal english conversation which was so easy for me back then... Now i trip over myself and insert my foot in my mouth. Ahhh... i can sense the laughter of the millions now....

Hopefully tomorrow goes well and i sell away my fish and come out a richer man than i am now. I want to restart saving again. Something i was unable to do with my ex. Why the hell do i keep mentioning her? Crap... I juz feel more secure with a chunk of cash in my account.  And that injection of funds would do that well...

Its not even 11 and i'm sleepy... must be the book...  any book on a madman after a big ocean goin mammal for revenge will put even the most resolute insomniac to sleep. What more me? Alot of people seem stressed out today with their NUS matriculation crap or whatever that is... Noone is being their usual chatty selves... Thang seems pissed off at something/someone... will not pry... I'm here trying to settle myself... Feel jumpy as a mexican jumpin bean. Have no reason why... maybe its the pic i saw juz only in friendster... *shivers*

Tomorrow i wish for luck. That my crap will all go smoothly tomorrow and that i will not die of a stroke. I want everything to stop spinning.... Hahahaha... chatted on msn with meghan earlier... my elder sis of sorts... Glad to know she'll be back in december. Theres alot of things to talk about. And it'll be good to see how we've all changed...

Like i wish to bomb and sink this miserable island and fly to seychelles and buy over an island there and watch as WWIII rages over the horizon... The world's gettin more and more twisted... Lemme off at the next stop yea? I wanna get on another ride...

Monday, July 26, 2004

Off the brain

Eatin stale seafood pizza as i type... I seem to be fated to all things sea nowadays...

What is wrong with me these days? Always tired, irritable and impatience.... I think its either the nicotine cold turkey or the 5 hour or less sleep i get per day... Or maybe both... That would account for my bursts of rage today at Watto and that not-so-there guy on the bus. Must find the source of my problem and crush it... Destroy whatever is bothering me. Its not that i like to get mad... Prak and Thang should know that very well... But my patience has really run thin with Watto. I know I shouldnt attack him but help him, but sometimes it juz irks me that a 21yr old guy cant juz use some simple common sense before he decides what to do. I know i aint the best person to say this but he's like the guy i knew 5+ years back... he hasnt changed... not good and not bad... but the I find him immature... Like I'm the most sensible and mature of all... Its so ironic i find him like that. There's something definately wrong with the wiring up here...

I really feel like burning THAT picture.... the sight of it juz displeases me... But it would be wrong to do so. And yet its such an eyesore.... Must find a deep and dark corner to stow it away. Then hopefully in another few years it would've rotted to nothingness... HAHAHAHAHA

hmmm.... got a play this sat and i have np shirt to wear. My pants SHOULD be ok... Juz tried them on but look weird... too used to the straight cut pant legs i guess... tapered gives me the shudders... I feel like a Cornetto with tapered pants on. Saw a nice lookin short sleeve shirt at Topman earlier... feel like buyin it... ONLY IF i manage to sell off my fish... Then i shall round up a few more tees too... LOL  Hmmm... cant seem to find my prom shoes...  i think may need to get another pair too...
So many expenses this month and my tuition session has been cancelled... No choice but to sell my fishy away... Bad news in the financial side all the way... Under the advisory of my friend i have to get a new phone too coz my current one is falling apart. *sigh*

Feel terrible about using Thang's cash these few days... Will need to treat him one big one these comin days when we both are still relatively free... I always like to be independent... Being a leech on someone makes me feel sick. I need to get back my finances! Waitin for my agency to hand me another tuition job...  at least then i can add a meager sum to my already scrawny bank account. Fortunately my driving course is gonna be sponsered by my dad and hopefully a car too... Hahahahahaha... No more public transport for me... Its my way or the highway! Thang will be doin the course with me and hopefully we pass without hassle... *yea rite*

Hmmm... another few more days till i get me cat... Havent broken the news to my parents yet... Need to find time for that. I really want to bring Chloe home... she looks soooo cute! hahahahahahaha...  the last thing you would expect from me: the unholy rednecked bastard from TBR...
Wanna get a garfield too but heard its hard to find such color and pattern... Oh well... one step at a time... And juz stay angelfied. LOL

Sunday, July 25, 2004

Angelfied~

hahahahahahahahahhaha....

Only Thang will know the true meaning of my blog title...
Yeap... today did kayakin. Like a damn eskimo after walrus in the artic summer... Was great to get back to possibly the only watersport i love. Juz paddlin around really gave me a freedom i havent experienced for a long time... Was like a pirate ship prowling the east coast beachline. Thang was strugglin like a deformed penguin and failed to coordinate the "flankin maneouveur" that we had agreed upon... And we ended up joustin on the high seas like some deranged form of american gladiators. Hahahhahahahahaha...  Mel and Vivien who were unfortunate enough to witness our war cried antics started paddlin for cover with Mel pointin out our uber violent prone tendancies in retreat... Cute la that girl...

On the other hand.... I never realized that another gal was like so hot! Hahahahaha... I think i'm in love...  LOL. It was awkward between us too... Especially at dinner of which the details i shall not reveal here. That shall remain a secret between the old guards and myself... Should i try for it? I need a divine sign... hahahahahahhaha... Give me a sign... Yes or No... Shall i go watch the play? It costs quite abit.... But the results could be... lets say beneficial? LOL shall place under serious consideration....

Am in serious pain now... my triceps and quads are throbbin and i'm limpin... Tomorrow i shall be a fine sight to see... But its been awhile since i was this active... Love it. I gotta do this more often... And get meself more Angelfied too... LOLOLOLOL

Damn~~~

Finally home after an oh so eventful day...

Went for the Muay Thai lesson with Thang and met the mini Brock who was seriously pissin me off with his dumb kicks at the sandbag and gettin up close at my face... Thank God the coach got him first and crushed hids puny little ego in front of me... Hahahahhahahaa. If not i would have smacked his white piggy face and given him the crossface and slapped his white arse with my sandals... I think the coach did what we all wanted to do... Utterly manhandle and humiliate the damn paleface and his cretin kind. Whiteskins should be shown their place in the world... this aint 1889 punks... the yellow skinned slaves are kickin your collective asses and theres nothin you can do about it. So get with the program dumbass "superior race"...

Sparrin was fun... but had to limit myself so as not to damage Thang... i dont want to return his parents damaged goods. Was a bit worried back there when i went abit overboard with the fist combos... coz for those tt know me well... I'm a violent person. hahahahahahaha... I nearly let out my anger at him... had to stop myself before i went to far.. things worked out fine in the end though. There were a few hot babes there... kekekekeke...

After that rushed down double time to simei for the smelly armpit sauce daughter's birthday... Was not bad... played with Rambo and met a certain shy girl.... hahahahahahaha.. I am like sooooooooooooo wantin to bring home my ragdoll Chloe... Piper was like soooo fat! Like where got such a big ragdoll? The food was great... gulped down alot of tomato curry and mango pudding. Finally! Returned all my ex's stuff to her... Feel so relieved... maybe coz i know its the last time i will see her. Makes me happy.

Now the tiredness hits me... feel so damn drowsy now...  and my triceps are gettin stiff. Ow~ Cont'd tommorrow...

 

Saturday, July 24, 2004

In the end

Well.... i guess the chapter has been closed once and for all in my episode with my ex.

Call me a B**tard but i guess its better off she hatin me than i hatin her. Its strange but i feel relieved.... And yes its stranger that i dun want to end it amicably... Well... I guess i juz wanted to end it there and then . Seal the deal and pack up and go.

Another flaw on my record but its not her fault but mine. So let it be.

Friday, July 23, 2004

Weekend Mischief!

Like i really need to get back to my kantang roots... Last nite i juz realized how really myself i was back with the guys and makin a mockery of the english language... I think i do my best work with the stuff Shakespeare made a living off... And yes... I do make over elaborate gestures like a deranged gorilla. LOL

Finally! Its friday nite~

I can finally sleep like a rottin carcass till the sun is high in the sky and the word breakfast is not in my vocabulary... Hahahahahahahaha... I miss my beauty sleep. And tommorow's gonna be FUN man... i get to smack Thong at Muay Thai AND frolic with animals after that along with a wonderful buffet... This is like THE saturday of the month...

Ah... the wonderful sounds of Seether and "Fine Again"... It really is fine once again. Things couldnt be better. All i need to do is quit smokin for good... the one thing i've been procrastinatin at over and over again. :p
Goin to be starting my canoeing so i better build up my stamina... so that means NO SMOKES... So time to go cold turkey and make like a foodbird... hahahaha

Oh yea... speakin of tommorow i gotta wear padding.... LOL... okok... private joke... gonna go and do some last revision on cats for Chloe... She's gonna be like very pampered... hahahahaha

I hope my careless blurt didnt do too much harm yesterday... I've caused too much chaos with my antics as it is... this is much more serious...

Ok la... time to go and rot... hahahaha...  BE back same time same channel tommorow nite...

RESPECT

 

Thursday, July 22, 2004

Tag and Release

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha....

I havent laughed so much in ages... Today was one of the best dinners i've had. We were laughin for 3 non stop hours... my abs are now feeling the hurt... Argggghhhh... pain~~~

Met up with the fatal foursome for dinner at Max Brenner's... ended up we had a unscheduled comedy night instead. It's rare for all of us to be in top form.... i tell you at times it was hard to eat. Thang nearly spat several times... including gandhi... even two veterans of the Crap Wars could start expellin prechewed food. This show how violently funny the whole thing was.... Haahahhahahaahhahahahahahaha... Our Honda van and the tranquilizer rifles were hilarious... Bait, tag and release... and film the whole process while we're at it... Yea~~~ we are FatBus....

We shall use Watto, our Lord of the Scraps as bait for all the "Michelles" and wait in ambush in our Honda van ( Like it has to be Honda... its the image )... Gandhi shall be our marksman... he with the wide spectrum rhino tranquilizer and rifle. Wil shall be our commentator and cameraman. Thang will be back up and I shall be the getaway driver... LOL once we locate one we shall tranquilize her and tag her with a radio collar to track her movements so that we can warn others of psychotic oil drums wanderin about town... And with that Cops theme song in the background, it will be a new internet hit i tell you... hahahahahahhahaha

Changed my blog address too... My ex keeps on readin my blog for reasons unknown... makes me feel uncomfortable so i changed the address. Have no idea what she's up to... so best just to ignore and avoid.

Like am SO not lookin forward to tommorow.. from 9-5... a death defyin schedule enough to make me wish i could skip class... And after that still need to go present shoppin... couldnt find what i wanted today. I want my Saturday and Sunday! I so need to sleep in....

Yawn~

Like its an ungodly hour and i'm up with my golden mane in a mess of tangles and scratchin my arse...

i hate thursdays... the CAD class is just too damn long... crazy buncha mofos to put such schedules. Like i really need to take a nap later when i get back... I'm still like... Tunnel Head...

Some people get on my nerves nearly always when they come in contact with me... Like a certain one I used to be with. Comes up with this signature that pushes all the problems to me... Yea rite~~~~ It always takes two hands to clap you arse... You can say whatever you want but in the end you still will never extract yourself from that dung heap. At least the one before you had the guts to admit it. You just try to push it to me.
Well... screw you... And if you expect to have a share of the present FOC you are dead wrong.... hahahahahahahaha

Calculativeness.... something i like.. NEVER do with friends. I still remember thong talkin to me about it on our way back from china black. I mean come on... money cant buy friends... ok... you can... but not GOOD friends who will be there for you rain or shine, 24/7. And you wont take all that cash with you when you're dead.... so why calculate among buds?In fact i dont think i've ever been calculative before... *BHB*... Ok la... maybe a coupla times like now... with people that arent worth it.

Like still warming up for school yea? I got saliva's "click click boom" on and attempting to mentally yank my arse of the chair and to the bathroom for a groomin session. I am so like a slob today... hahahahaha

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

Hunh?! Posted by Hello

Black Tuesday

Juz woke up....

Man.... Last nite was not too bad really... Especially if you know my not so enthuastic view on clubs. Had not a proper clubbin shirt to wear so i DIY'ed on a shirt i bought some time back from queensway... e final product was BENG man... hahahhahahaha... Like people were staring at me from all the way from my place to the bus stop to orchard. And i can still remember the looks from certain people last night.

Yea.... last nite i have to admit. Wilson rawked! He's no longer the boy i knew spinnin around on the floor of Thong's room... I'm happy for the guy. Look forward to see anymore of his performances... Too bad the judges last nite were screwed up. Racism... thats my take plain and simple... That man in a britney outfit was crap la... i'm no dancer but i think I can see the difference between good and bad la. Britney and Christina, the two Playmates were a joke man... Whats with that 80's shit? You arent men and you arent women... Pick a side you biatches! Basically the tranvestite team won coz of politics... they had a paleface there... and in S'pore... the paleface will always beat all others. They had the cheek to play national day music videoes across Starbuck's later that morning... I detest my country.

Speakin of Biatches... My dear M Faiz picked up probably the mother of them all last nite... I mean... WHAT WERE YOU THINKIN???? Ok... She tried to look into your shirt at Borders and attempted to tongue Thong... What gave you the impression she's normal? And in the end it was WE who had to do damage control AGAIN... Man... you have to use your brain and not your whatever when you do things... And in the end you traumatised everyone when she started flashinthe crowd on that table... Dude...  remorse won't even cut it at this point...

Had my drinks last nite...  a tequila and 2 heavily watered down beers. Made me feel at ease and loosened up abit. Tried the bloody mary too... it was like spicy tomato juice with salt... Eughhhh... didnt smoke as much as i expected...  which i good... i wanna cut down anyway.

Man.... my ex just msn'ed me... I dun wish to comment on what happened but i have to say I really dun care.... Look... you go your way and i'll go mine... Find your happiness and go with it. I'm goin mine.

Headache man... damn... its late i gotta prepare for class...  

Monday, July 19, 2004

Beng Wannabe

Today, i take my first step towards my cheena roots....
 
I "streaked" my hair... traditional cheena beng color too. Coppery brown gold... And after washing... I look more beng then i ever thought possible. I immediately had the urge to squat down somemore and smoke a cigarette... Hahaha
 
This new hair color has definately changed the way people look at me... More ah bengs stare at me like some cock fight and more ah lians look at me in more meaningful ways... I have entered Bengdom. Interesting world... Dyed hair gives you a new outlook on life. Like i have already started talkin more hokkien and more than once fiddled w my hair today... I walk differently... I look differently... Hmmmmm...
 
This gives me an idea... After seein all the stuff about "Supersize Me"... Maybe i shld try my own 30 day experiment. I'll call it "Bengify Me".... Hahahahhahahahhaha... Like 30 days w my colorfied hair and record down what happens. How many people will walk into me, how many more lians i can talk to, how many times i speak hokkien etc etc... The new s'pore short story? I would die laughing at the premiere.
 
My dad either doesnt care or his eyesight is failing and doesnt notice my new color boosted mane... My mom hasnt noticed yet due to my cpu blockin my head from the rest of the outside world... I patiently wait for the truth to come to light... then NagginFest shall officially be launched.
 
On the other hand... my new marine tank seems to be comin along as per schedule. Added 3 fishes and a boxer shrimp in so far. My lions seem to be socializin now.... interesting... 2 more lion fish to go... a shark... 2 moray eels and a lobster. Then my dangerous fish tank will be complete.
 
Havent talked about school for awhile...  so far it sucks... i hate the thursday and friday timings. My class is boring...  no good lookin girls... the guys all so immature. I'm like in a league of my own... BUT... I must say... the girls elsewhere in the poly are HOT... hahahahahaha...
Some could even give you a cardiac arrest... Like i need to get to know some... maybe my new found bengness will help. How low can ya go?
 
Tommorow is china black day... should i go? Long time since i last went to a club... I prefer a quiet pub with good music and a cold beer... But it is wilson's competition .. And shermann did ask me to go. ... I think i'll see my mood tommorow.  And I'm still tired for reasons unknown... cant seem to recharge enough. What is wrong with me?
 
Ah well...  guess i'll go squat somewhere and look at my fish...
 

Friday, July 16, 2004

Baptism

I've seen the light....

and its damn sight for sore eyes...
Well... Depression aside, I see things clearly now...
Time will kill all disease and I will be back to whom i was. To return to my roots... to how it all began... The baptism of fire.

And e maniacal one shall be born again... and all shall despair and kiss my hariy feet... wahahahahahahaha... okok... enough with the self serving compliments.
Awaken the beast in me and you shall recieve.

Today was not bad... finished my work and got off school early... tmw gotta go for interview for a position in the management commitee... c whether i wanna go or not... hahahahaha... if i get e job i wonder how things will be like with the unholy one at the helm. Well... today was listenin to ENTH E ND and the lyrics really woke me up... it doesnt matter about the end or the starting, its e journey that matters the most.
So why care about what has happened?

I NEED to get my ipod up and running... still dunno why the usb connection cant run. I'm gettin sick of my mds... i need my 1000+ songs to skim thru!!!! Please i need divine guidance~!

damn... its like nearly 3am... and i'm still not sleepy...

gotta go zzzzzzzzz or i'll die tmw...

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

No More

I want nothing more....

I juz want to be alone. Noone at all... Juz me.

I dunno how to diff between good and evil anymore, wad it is to grieve or wad it is to heal...

"I've tried so hard to tell myself tt u're gone... but though u're still w me, I've been alone all along.... "

I know i'm being punished... this is my fate. No matter what i do i will never find my peace... Its tt brutally simple. I dun want to have a bandage for my bleeding... i want to heal... not something tt stops e flow and only gets ripped away when u feel relief.

I've always listened... but who listens to me... really listens to me? Can anyone hear whats inside me? My monsters, my weakness, my soul? All along i've been holdin back... I juz dun trust anyone enough to tear down my walls... a brick comes down and everyone runs for cover... I'm used to it... e world passes by and i will be here.

Let me rebuild myself. Reforge my locks and chain my monsters. I am a not a strong person. I cant fight everything tt has been shut inside me for so long... so i can only imprison them in myself. Till e day i find my salvation in death or watever... they will stay locked up... I cant trust anyone anymore to release them....

6, 8, 12

Its been awhile since my last entry....

Guess wasnt much in e mood....

I have to admit... I miss her...

Dun think patchin up is gonna be possible...

Guess only heaven knows as the song goes.