Last Hours

In 12 hours and 40 minutes i'll be on a plane for 'Nam... feels like taiwan all over again...

Got my stuff packed in 2 bags... can't believe how poofy clothing can be... Hopefully my check in luggage is under 20kg, I had a go at it earlier... doesnt seem heavy but then... The last time i did the test myself i was ovr weight by 10kg. :p
But its basically all clothes... a coverall, 2 tank tops, a pair of worn jeans and my poncho and sleeping bag. The heaviest items are the poncho and coverall. My poncho is like made out of material so heavy it could be classified as kevlar.... looks like something you would use to protect a tank against small arm fire. And my coverall.... Its juz v heavy cloth that looks protective but couldnt last 5 secs against a car battery... Its just 18 days, and i look like i'm carrying mor than when i went to taiwan. Crap.

I think i have everything. Passport, clothes, toiletries, medication accessories... yup... everything should be there. But i still get the nervous moments coz i always feel i'm forgetting something. I hate packing for trips. I wish i could just buy everything i need at the place i'm goin and travel ultralight. Whats there to pack? All you need will be there... That would make things so much easier.

My cat's at her former residence.... I'll take her back when i'm home. I'm now worried for my fish... Ok... to you it may seem trivial compared to my cat... so what if a fish dies? Go get another one... Uh uh... not unless your fish costs you like 4 digits... no way am i risking that. Hope things will be fine when i'm away.

Friends wise... I've informed all who should be informed already. That is IF they were listening to what i was saying... hahaha... I'm such an unimportant person... oh well... I dunno if i'll frequent the net there coz i dont have much to spend and i need to buy some beverages on the way back so....... i will have to hoard my cash as much as possible and let loose at the DFS. HAHAHAHAHA.

ok... time for some personal time, i will see everyone back on the 3rd of december and of course many more times in that month.;) Farewell to myself and ciao.

All i Want.........

If i don't make sense please forgive me... Its 1am and I'm just blabbering away...

Its a simple question ain't it? All you want... What is it you want? If there was anything that you needed to have above all else what would it be? Yet things as they are make such a question as complicated as chinese algebra without am abacus.

Have we lost the simple contentment of life? Must we have it complicated and always aiming for higher? Hell.... is there even something called contentment in the dictionary of everyday life? We can never seem to be content with anything, things could always be better. But we never think how things could be worse. Yes.... things can be worse than they are now... there are people much more screwed up than us that find our way of life downright godly...

I dunno what you want... But i get contented easily. A comfortable place i can rest my head everynight, 3 square meals and my ipod fully packed to the brim with my selection of songs and i would not ask for more. Although my answer to the question would be a different answer. All I want is to be able to feel a certain way everyday. That alone could sustain me as well as any life support. But well.... we all have wishes... whether or not they com true depends on, i guess, your luck. somethings do happen some don't... its knowing when something happens thats the tricky part.

Runaway Train

Its been a veryyyyyy long while since i made an entry here.... these days been regressing v much into my "bottling-up-every-god-forsaken-thing-that-happens" mindset.

Listening to "Runaway Train" by Soul Asylum and at once i can relate to the poor sap that penned down the lyrics for this sonnet. Its the point at where i havent a clue where am i coming or going... I'm just hurtling through time and space aimlessly, everything is like a blur, and i cant just slow down. At times yet i feel like a madman... as if all this isnt really happening to me but to someone else... And i can say that it isnt a good sign. Yet i still am able to duct tape myself together and just continue with my life which to me is a remarkable feat in itself. Maybe a few years earlier i would've taken the easy way out like someone i knew and did a swan dive off the 13th floor of some building and left some unremovable bloodstain on the concrete somewhere. Thing is... I dont really care for that now. I'm like... "Oh hell with it... Let's just continue with the road for the hell of it." Or to words of that effect...

Now let's talk about happiness... I'm curious on this. Has anyone really experienced true bliss? What is it like? I think i've smelt its scent before but never really tasted it. You might think i'm kidding, since i go around with that maniacal grin and hypermental imagination. Very far from that... I have the same crap all you guys have. And i'm totally jaded to violence and tragedy... That might be the common thing now since everyone is killing each other virtually nowadays or slaughtering large throngs of animated sprites that represent people. The Haung Na case? Barely struck anything in me.... up to now i still don't really give much of a shit about the tradgedy rather i'm more interested in how the murderer did it... now thats plain morbid... Do not worry, I'm not goin to be the next Ted Bundy... I still have a conscience and reason. I may have a problem relating with pain and all but i'm not about to go psycho.

Maybe i need a vacation away from it all.... Not like the time i was in taiwan. This time no politics and no civilization so to speak. Maybe thats why i decided to join up with the SIF to do this volunteer work in 'Nam. To be away from it all and doing something that really affects the world no matter how miniscule it is. Yea... its the lame 'ol "I'm-making-a-difference-in-the-world" thing. I have no illusions that what i'm doing will help the ppl i'm trying to help much. I'm just gonna be doing whatever i can and hope for the best. Its also kinda pressurising coz basically u are to them saints... Appearing from nowhere in particular and extending a helping hand. Its almost like something you would find in a movie.

Alot of ppl ask me why am i doing this. Do i enjoy helping ppl or am i juz tryin to impress... I know noone has asked me the latter but i know many are thinking it. No... I do not enjoy helping ppl. In fact helping ppl more often than not doesnt make me a very happy person. I do it coz i have a soft spot still. I get abused when i ofer help... not verbally, you should know what i mean... Like when you're helping someone pick up something and they then shove a list if chores to be done as well in your face. Yea... there are times i wanna ask them to fuck off.... but then if i dont help sometimes... who will? This totally clashes with what i have talked about earlier but its true. As a lecturer of mine once said... I'm an enigma... A puzzle of a human being, once you finally think you've finally figured me out i throw in a big monkey wrench in the works and totally destroy the image you have of me. Hell.. some of my friends have known me for 8 years and counting but i dont think they've managed to have me figured out yet. Even my parents cant do it... hahaha

But that's the irony of things in life. I've met someone that i cant ever figure out too... Sometimes it almost like we're both the same, stright split down the middle. But now there's this wall suddenly between us... Did i do something wrong or have I struck a chord somewhere coz the person has definately struck a chord with me. I kinda feel defensive towards the person too... maybe i'm just plain scared and so is the other party. I have no clue. I'm more concerned why this is affecting me so. I dont really give a shit to this kinda thing. Now i'm practically tripping over myself thinking why things have come to this stage. Its also kinda hard since both parties are pretty much not willing to come forth and make a definitive move. I dont really have much of a vision on this coz i have little of a chance in hell anyway. But i do not want to spoil things as they are over it. Ah well..... the universe has its own way of unfolding. We'll see when i get back.

If Men had wings and bore black feathers, few would be smart enough to become crows....

Just some lyrics that i can't get out of my head...

"Don’t look don’t look the shadows breathe
Whispering me away from you
Don’t wake at night to watch her sleep
You know that you will always lose
This trembling
Adored
Tousled bird mad girl...
But every night I burn
But every night I call your name
Every night I burn
Every night I fall again
Oh don’t talk of love the shadows purr
Murmuring me away from you
Don’t talk of worlds that never were
The end is all that’s ever true
There’s nothing you can ever say
Nothing you can ever do...
Still every night I burn
Every night I scream your name
Every night I burn
Every night the dream’s the same
Every night I burn
Waiting for my only friend
Every night I burn
Waiting for the world to end

Just paint your face the shadows smile
Slipping me away from you
Oh it doesn’t matter how you hide
Find you if we’re wanting to
So slide back down and close your eyes
Sleep a while
You must be tired...
But every night I burn
Every night I call your name
Every night I burn
Every night I fall again
Every night I burn
Scream the animal scream
Every night I burn
Dream the crow black dream

Dream the crow black dream..."

Yes.... I've been watching The Crow again... :p