Runaway Train
Its been a veryyyyyy long while since i made an entry here.... these days been regressing v much into my "bottling-up-every-god-forsaken-thing-that-happens" mindset.
Listening to "Runaway Train" by Soul Asylum and at once i can relate to the poor sap that penned down the lyrics for this sonnet. Its the point at where i havent a clue where am i coming or going... I'm just hurtling through time and space aimlessly, everything is like a blur, and i cant just slow down. At times yet i feel like a madman... as if all this isnt really happening to me but to someone else... And i can say that it isnt a good sign. Yet i still am able to duct tape myself together and just continue with my life which to me is a remarkable feat in itself. Maybe a few years earlier i would've taken the easy way out like someone i knew and did a swan dive off the 13th floor of some building and left some unremovable bloodstain on the concrete somewhere. Thing is... I dont really care for that now. I'm like... "Oh hell with it... Let's just continue with the road for the hell of it." Or to words of that effect...
Now let's talk about happiness... I'm curious on this. Has anyone really experienced true bliss? What is it like? I think i've smelt its scent before but never really tasted it. You might think i'm kidding, since i go around with that maniacal grin and hypermental imagination. Very far from that... I have the same crap all you guys have. And i'm totally jaded to violence and tragedy... That might be the common thing now since everyone is killing each other virtually nowadays or slaughtering large throngs of animated sprites that represent people. The Haung Na case? Barely struck anything in me.... up to now i still don't really give much of a shit about the tradgedy rather i'm more interested in how the murderer did it... now thats plain morbid... Do not worry, I'm not goin to be the next Ted Bundy... I still have a conscience and reason. I may have a problem relating with pain and all but i'm not about to go psycho.
Maybe i need a vacation away from it all.... Not like the time i was in taiwan. This time no politics and no civilization so to speak. Maybe thats why i decided to join up with the SIF to do this volunteer work in 'Nam. To be away from it all and doing something that really affects the world no matter how miniscule it is. Yea... its the lame 'ol "I'm-making-a-difference-in-the-world" thing. I have no illusions that what i'm doing will help the ppl i'm trying to help much. I'm just gonna be doing whatever i can and hope for the best. Its also kinda pressurising coz basically u are to them saints... Appearing from nowhere in particular and extending a helping hand. Its almost like something you would find in a movie.
Alot of ppl ask me why am i doing this. Do i enjoy helping ppl or am i juz tryin to impress... I know noone has asked me the latter but i know many are thinking it. No... I do not enjoy helping ppl. In fact helping ppl more often than not doesnt make me a very happy person. I do it coz i have a soft spot still. I get abused when i ofer help... not verbally, you should know what i mean... Like when you're helping someone pick up something and they then shove a list if chores to be done as well in your face. Yea... there are times i wanna ask them to fuck off.... but then if i dont help sometimes... who will? This totally clashes with what i have talked about earlier but its true. As a lecturer of mine once said... I'm an enigma... A puzzle of a human being, once you finally think you've finally figured me out i throw in a big monkey wrench in the works and totally destroy the image you have of me. Hell.. some of my friends have known me for 8 years and counting but i dont think they've managed to have me figured out yet. Even my parents cant do it... hahaha
But that's the irony of things in life. I've met someone that i cant ever figure out too... Sometimes it almost like we're both the same, stright split down the middle. But now there's this wall suddenly between us... Did i do something wrong or have I struck a chord somewhere coz the person has definately struck a chord with me. I kinda feel defensive towards the person too... maybe i'm just plain scared and so is the other party. I have no clue. I'm more concerned why this is affecting me so. I dont really give a shit to this kinda thing. Now i'm practically tripping over myself thinking why things have come to this stage. Its also kinda hard since both parties are pretty much not willing to come forth and make a definitive move. I dont really have much of a vision on this coz i have little of a chance in hell anyway. But i do not want to spoil things as they are over it. Ah well..... the universe has its own way of unfolding. We'll see when i get back.
Listening to "Runaway Train" by Soul Asylum and at once i can relate to the poor sap that penned down the lyrics for this sonnet. Its the point at where i havent a clue where am i coming or going... I'm just hurtling through time and space aimlessly, everything is like a blur, and i cant just slow down. At times yet i feel like a madman... as if all this isnt really happening to me but to someone else... And i can say that it isnt a good sign. Yet i still am able to duct tape myself together and just continue with my life which to me is a remarkable feat in itself. Maybe a few years earlier i would've taken the easy way out like someone i knew and did a swan dive off the 13th floor of some building and left some unremovable bloodstain on the concrete somewhere. Thing is... I dont really care for that now. I'm like... "Oh hell with it... Let's just continue with the road for the hell of it." Or to words of that effect...
Now let's talk about happiness... I'm curious on this. Has anyone really experienced true bliss? What is it like? I think i've smelt its scent before but never really tasted it. You might think i'm kidding, since i go around with that maniacal grin and hypermental imagination. Very far from that... I have the same crap all you guys have. And i'm totally jaded to violence and tragedy... That might be the common thing now since everyone is killing each other virtually nowadays or slaughtering large throngs of animated sprites that represent people. The Haung Na case? Barely struck anything in me.... up to now i still don't really give much of a shit about the tradgedy rather i'm more interested in how the murderer did it... now thats plain morbid... Do not worry, I'm not goin to be the next Ted Bundy... I still have a conscience and reason. I may have a problem relating with pain and all but i'm not about to go psycho.
Maybe i need a vacation away from it all.... Not like the time i was in taiwan. This time no politics and no civilization so to speak. Maybe thats why i decided to join up with the SIF to do this volunteer work in 'Nam. To be away from it all and doing something that really affects the world no matter how miniscule it is. Yea... its the lame 'ol "I'm-making-a-difference-in-the-world" thing. I have no illusions that what i'm doing will help the ppl i'm trying to help much. I'm just gonna be doing whatever i can and hope for the best. Its also kinda pressurising coz basically u are to them saints... Appearing from nowhere in particular and extending a helping hand. Its almost like something you would find in a movie.
Alot of ppl ask me why am i doing this. Do i enjoy helping ppl or am i juz tryin to impress... I know noone has asked me the latter but i know many are thinking it. No... I do not enjoy helping ppl. In fact helping ppl more often than not doesnt make me a very happy person. I do it coz i have a soft spot still. I get abused when i ofer help... not verbally, you should know what i mean... Like when you're helping someone pick up something and they then shove a list if chores to be done as well in your face. Yea... there are times i wanna ask them to fuck off.... but then if i dont help sometimes... who will? This totally clashes with what i have talked about earlier but its true. As a lecturer of mine once said... I'm an enigma... A puzzle of a human being, once you finally think you've finally figured me out i throw in a big monkey wrench in the works and totally destroy the image you have of me. Hell.. some of my friends have known me for 8 years and counting but i dont think they've managed to have me figured out yet. Even my parents cant do it... hahaha
But that's the irony of things in life. I've met someone that i cant ever figure out too... Sometimes it almost like we're both the same, stright split down the middle. But now there's this wall suddenly between us... Did i do something wrong or have I struck a chord somewhere coz the person has definately struck a chord with me. I kinda feel defensive towards the person too... maybe i'm just plain scared and so is the other party. I have no clue. I'm more concerned why this is affecting me so. I dont really give a shit to this kinda thing. Now i'm practically tripping over myself thinking why things have come to this stage. Its also kinda hard since both parties are pretty much not willing to come forth and make a definitive move. I dont really have much of a vision on this coz i have little of a chance in hell anyway. But i do not want to spoil things as they are over it. Ah well..... the universe has its own way of unfolding. We'll see when i get back.
posted by The Science Of IoS at 9:46:00 PM
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