Too Strong For Too Long
After 24hrs of thinking... forgive me and ignore my last post.
I'm really under so much right now i don't even think clearly anymore. So i've gievn up thinking for my own good and for the sake of others for what i say in the idiotic moments i have often are extremely not nice.
Can't sleep at all. Not like the past where i could sneak in 3 or 4 hours of sleep to get me by. But my longest snooze so far has been 2hrs... And that was yesterday after work. Everytime i close my eyes i'm haunted by elinda and adeline. They take turns to huant my nights for some particular reason. For that i can't get any sleep.
Both ladies are dear to me. Adeline is my almost exact twin, inclusive of dark side, and we can just sit and talk for hours and if given the opportunity even days maybe. However, she's not straight, but somehow i get the feeling that she's confused somewhere about where we're going. And for that reason we parted ways awhile back. Now after a few mths hiatus, she's back. This time things are different... things are almost as before before the confusion and she seems to be more "receptive"? If i could call it that.
Elinda is like my nice self and crazy self duplicated. For some reason she always seems to make me smile no matter what. We can talk for hours but not as well as with adeline. Elinda is more closed with me. Most questions are answered by a single word or sentence and to get her to talk is kinda hard at times... However we were so-called dating... But now something has gone wrong somewhere and she is also having some thoughts.
Both are people i would never hurt nor bear to see sad. But i find myself so under pressure at times to make them as comfortable as possible i never realised my ownself was like a turkey in the middle of a thanksgiving kitchen.
I guess it all boils down to the fact that i've been always the shoulder or ear that would be there for anyone 24/7. Kept myself strong for the people i feel are important and forgot that inside i was cracking up all along.
My dad is retiring next year, I need to work somehow to support myself at least and my grades aren't doing too well for me to be going into my final year of studies. My hope of getting an architectural course may be doomed to failure. I can't concentrate on anything these months, I am always tired, I can never seem to recharge fully enough to make things even more frustrating...
And i don't want anyone to worry so all the while i've kept myself to look like the man of steel never falling. Truth is i'm like a tree rotting from the inside. I can feel myself goin bit by bit... Increasingly have been prone to dark moods and my sense of humor is slipping. Smoking too much and taking too many pills. I've been constantly worrying and worrying about so many things i can't seem to relax anymore.
When will i finally get enough funds to start my driving? How will i schedule my studies next year? Will i be able to make it? If i dont get into a local course how do i go overseas? So many other worries and insecurities that i can feel the invisible load on my shoulders and my shoulder blades just feel like cracking.
Will i turn suicidal again? Will i finally give in to the depression i've always fought and won by a thread?
I'm really under so much right now i don't even think clearly anymore. So i've gievn up thinking for my own good and for the sake of others for what i say in the idiotic moments i have often are extremely not nice.
Can't sleep at all. Not like the past where i could sneak in 3 or 4 hours of sleep to get me by. But my longest snooze so far has been 2hrs... And that was yesterday after work. Everytime i close my eyes i'm haunted by elinda and adeline. They take turns to huant my nights for some particular reason. For that i can't get any sleep.
Both ladies are dear to me. Adeline is my almost exact twin, inclusive of dark side, and we can just sit and talk for hours and if given the opportunity even days maybe. However, she's not straight, but somehow i get the feeling that she's confused somewhere about where we're going. And for that reason we parted ways awhile back. Now after a few mths hiatus, she's back. This time things are different... things are almost as before before the confusion and she seems to be more "receptive"? If i could call it that.
Elinda is like my nice self and crazy self duplicated. For some reason she always seems to make me smile no matter what. We can talk for hours but not as well as with adeline. Elinda is more closed with me. Most questions are answered by a single word or sentence and to get her to talk is kinda hard at times... However we were so-called dating... But now something has gone wrong somewhere and she is also having some thoughts.
Both are people i would never hurt nor bear to see sad. But i find myself so under pressure at times to make them as comfortable as possible i never realised my ownself was like a turkey in the middle of a thanksgiving kitchen.
I guess it all boils down to the fact that i've been always the shoulder or ear that would be there for anyone 24/7. Kept myself strong for the people i feel are important and forgot that inside i was cracking up all along.
My dad is retiring next year, I need to work somehow to support myself at least and my grades aren't doing too well for me to be going into my final year of studies. My hope of getting an architectural course may be doomed to failure. I can't concentrate on anything these months, I am always tired, I can never seem to recharge fully enough to make things even more frustrating...
And i don't want anyone to worry so all the while i've kept myself to look like the man of steel never falling. Truth is i'm like a tree rotting from the inside. I can feel myself goin bit by bit... Increasingly have been prone to dark moods and my sense of humor is slipping. Smoking too much and taking too many pills. I've been constantly worrying and worrying about so many things i can't seem to relax anymore.
When will i finally get enough funds to start my driving? How will i schedule my studies next year? Will i be able to make it? If i dont get into a local course how do i go overseas? So many other worries and insecurities that i can feel the invisible load on my shoulders and my shoulder blades just feel like cracking.
Will i turn suicidal again? Will i finally give in to the depression i've always fought and won by a thread?
posted by The Science Of IoS at 4:56:00 AM
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