A hitchhiker's guide to taking public transport

I think among the rest of the world, this nation has to have the most unique habits when it comes to public transportation.

Lets start with the humble bus service shall we?

Whenever a bus is coming to a halt in front of a bus stop, the mad rush begins to roughly find a spot where you hope the bus's main door will be when it stops so you can get on the bus first. Its like an olympic event to see who gets the gold medal for bus boarding.

For those unable to get starting place, its time to get on board ASAP by any means neccessary. Hence, the sneaky limbs start slipping in here and there... by that i mean, trying to get a foothold or grip on the doorway of the bus so as to cut into the line and yank yourself up before the person in front or the side of you. If you can't do that then do as the old people do... just lumber in and shove like the mannerless swine they are. I don't care what you have done in your youth "for the country" but i sure as hell don't see you deserving of such respect when you have the courtesy of an african warthog.

Old people think that they have the right to do whatever they want. They cut the queue to board the bus, and if they can't cut the line, they just shove their way thru. And if you block their shove? They give you the evil eye and curse your offspring for the next ten generations.

Then there is the "Crush". I realise that all singaporeans have an innate fear of the back of the bus. So they would rather crush themselves in the first half of the bus than go to the rear to stand. I always thought there was some boogeyman at the back of the bus that lurked under the back seat till i found out that i was sitting on top of the engine. Now however, i realise that these twats are crushing themselves and preventing other people from boarding the bus because everyone has a phobia that they will be unable to get off the bus.

If you stand at the back you will not be able to make it out in time before the bus driver thinks he has let enough people off the bus and then closes the door trapping the rest in and driving off. Whoever started that rumor must be a car owner and spasming in his car with laughter whenever he sees the rush hour bus situation. And people seem to be stupid enough to believe it. Everyone refuses to go to the rear coz they fear they may not get off in the allocated time given by the driver. This is the result of an average 16 years of education... No wonder we need foreign talent.

Getting off the bus is another experience. Its another race to see who gets off first. And we've been saying our kiasuism is overstated.... And more often than not during rush hours, there are the always present "door guards" that guard the exit. Even if their stop is an hour away, they will hang on to the spot at the exit with their lives for fear they will not be first to get off or not be able to at all. And so preoccupied with thinking of the various tactics of bus alighting that they often dont notice other people trying to squeeze by them to alight whenever the bus stops.

Again old people are the best at this... the government has given so many hand grips on the bus for the sae of old folk to make sure they dont fall but whats the point? These people have feet of suction cups.... the bus can be making a sharp turn and they will be shuffling for the door poking and pushing and exclaiming various forms of "excuse me" mostly in demanding or rude tones. They dont realsie that other people do not have such powerful suction cup feet and hence need to hold on to something and hence risk falling during such a time if they were to let you go past. And as always if you dont do what they want they curse you and your genetic material for donkey generations.

If you thought the bus was bad, the MRT we are so proud of is even worse.

Don't you just notice that when theres 3 vacant seats in a row, singaporeans always take the seat in the middle. Apparenly we are phobic of human physical contact as well... That explains the low birth rate.

And then, theres the coveted corner seat everyone wants coz you only have to make skin contact with one person. However for some reason the designer of the train interior saw it fit to place transparent panels at the corner so when sit there u get a up close and personal view of someone's flattened arse in your face when the lean against it.

Singaporeans also have serious back problems that require them to lean against the poles on the trains meant for you to HOLD WITH YOUR HAND. Somehow or another they think of it as a lean to. So conveniently making several people slide and slip across the floor when the train accelerates/stops when they have nothing to hold. And no one cares. I have had to jam my hand between the pole and someones lower back only to recieve a rude stare as if i just invaded some personal space. Next one who looks like that at me will recieve some choice words from me.

Then there are the people who are illusioned that they are grossly obese and hence require 2 seats for themselves and not just one. Either thate or they think the rise between the two seats is to fit your butt crack.

Give that seat up to someone who really needs it and not to one of your butt cheeks. Like a pregnant woman or disabled person. Or that SMRT guy with the backpack and walkie talkie that wanders around the train.

What the fuck is he supposed to be? He just walks around back and forth and occasionally mumbles something in that walkie talkie of his. Is he security? Quite unlikely unless he has some serious equipment in that backpack of his that looks more like a mode of carrying his lunch and drink. What is he going to do if some nut tries to hijack the train or if he finds some ticking item on board? Mumble something in his walkie talkie and a squad of commandos comes crashing in thru the train windows? I saw a couple of americans sniggering at the bright green man walking around the train. Maybe they know his real purpose or have thought of something i havent.

An adventure each day it is just to go to campus and back.